Ch. 15 The Hazan and Shaver Model

Researchers Hazen and Shaver provided a simply way of identifying attachment styles. There are three types of attachment styles. The first is secure attachment and these people are described as being comfortable with intimacy and closeness, prepared to trust and depend on others and able to acknowledge distress and ask for help. The second type is avoidant attachment. People who use the avoidant attachment style do not trust others and would rather be independent and self reliant and also have emotional distance. The last attachment style is anxious/ambivalent. These people grew up with anxiety because they were afraid of being left alone. They are ok with closeness according to the text but often fear the ones they love will abandon them. Hazen and Shaver listed three responses to a single question “ Which of the following best describes your feelings?”

I find it relatively easy to get close to others and am comfortable depending on them and having them depend on me. I don’t often worry about being abandoned or about someone getting close to me.
I am somewhat uncomfortable being close to others; I find it difficult to trust them, difficult to allow myself to depend on them. I am nervous when anyone gets too close, and love partners often want me to be more intimate.
I find that others are reclucant to get as close as I would like. I often worry that my partner doesn’t really love me or wont want to say with me. you want to merge completely with another person.
I choose response number one which is the secure attachment style. I really have no problems being intimate with another person and being close. I know some people shy away from being close to someone but it really doesn’t bother me at all, I love being close with people. Now just because I use the secure attachment and enjoy being close to people doesn’t mean I am close with everyone and trust every single person I know. I have no issues depending on people and I comfortable with having people depend on me.

Ch. 13 Conflict Styles

While dealing with conflict researchers have concluded there are five different styles that people use.

1.Competing style- low concern for others and high concern for self. This style is very assertive.
2.Accommodating style- High concern for others and low concern for self. This person is cooperative, and unassertive.
3.Collaborating style- high concern for self and others. This style is assertive and cooperative.
4.Withdrawing style- Little concern for self and others. People who use this style tend to avoid the situation.
5.Compromising style- moderate concern for self and others. Shows moderate amounts of assertiveness and cooperation.

I hate to admit it but I feel that I use the accommodating style. I really hate conflict and sometimes feel uncomfortable when it does arise. Some advantages of accommodating style is that people can show reasonableness, can improve relationships, can keep another person from harming them. Disadvantages are may communicate lack of power, requires sacrifice of goals. I am usually pretty accommodating and I find that I get less conflict that way however I do feel that I lack power when I communicate. I think it is ok to be accommodating sometimes but I do feel that I need to show more assertiveness and stand up for myself more.


I am always accommodating to people because at times I feel it is best to be nice and that minimizes conflict. However I do need to assert more assertiveness and defend myself more.

Ch. 12 Culture and Self-Construals

According to the book compliance behavior is strongly affected by personality differences and by culture and culturally defined self-construals. There are many cultural differences in compliance behaviors. For example Japanese people use a wider range of tactics than Americans and are more likely to use positive tactics such as promise, positive expertise, and positive esteem. Japanese people try to avoid conflict while Americans almost rely on and expect a confrontation of ideas, reasons, and arguments. Last semester in my Comm 173 intercultural global communication I wrote a paper on Asian international study students who came to America for school. My research found that many Asian students who studied in Asia as children were taught to be quiet in class and to never question their teacher. However when Asian students came to America for school many of them had difficulties with their professors. American Professors expect students to participate in class and ask questions and challenge their ideas and often many Asian students felt uncomfortable challenging and questing teachers.

Ch. 11 Stages of Coming Apart

I really found this section great because I think everyone can relate to it because everyone has been in some sort of relationship whether it be romantic or platonic that ended. There are five steps and they are differentiating, circumscribing, stagnating, avoiding, and terminating. I think I can relate to avoiding the most, I hate conflicts so for the most part I just end up avoiding that person and it hints to them that hey I really don't want to talk to right now and something is wrong. I know it's not the best method to start off with but usually when you start avoiding people they know something is wrong.

Ch. 10 Maintaining Platonic Relationships

The book proposes an interesting question, is it possible to remain friends with someone you find attractive? I believe the answer is yes, you can maintain a friendly relationship with someone you find attractive. Platonic relationships are friendships that lack sexual involvement despite possibilities for such involvement.

I have many friends who are the opposite sex as me and I am able to maintain a platonic relationship with them even if I do find them attractive. To be honest sometimes I think it's more fun to hang out with my guy friends every once and while and it doesn't have to involve flirting or anything like that, I just enjoy being in there company.

Web Lecture: Interpersonal Attraction

I really enjoyed reading this web lecture because I believe Interpersonal attraction is something everyone can relate to. I really found the section about Anthropological perspectives interesting and very true.

Anthropological perspectives focuses on physical beauty as the base of interpersonal attraction. According to the web lecture what constitutes beauty culturally changes over time. Individuals place a big emphasis on physical attractiveness in romantic relationships. Physical beauty is often associated with good and physical ugliness is often associated with bad. I believe everyone can relate to this theme because ever since we were little we were taught in movies what beauty is and what constitutes as ugly such as the example of the Joker in Batman the Web lecture discusses.

I think there are a lot of great people out there but because of are strong emphasis on physical beauty many people might not escalate a romantic relationship with that person because our society constitutes them as unattractive.

Ch. 9 Disadvantages of Escalating Relationships

As there are advantages to forging intimate relationships there are also disadvantages to escalating relationships. Although it is great to be open with a other person it can also leave you personally exposed and in a vulnerable position. All information you shared in a relationship might be revealed to cause harm and embarrassment. Also if you are in a romantic relationship and the other partner ends the relationship a person can experience heartache and lost of trust. Escalating a relationship can also open a person to interpersonal aggression.

The books says people are more likely to be malicious and hurtful in close relationships than they are in social relationships. It's a little crazy to think we hurt the ones we love the most but it is true. I am not sure why people do this but I see it so much, we claim we care for each other but in the end we just end up hurting each other. You see this often in romantic relationships were couples hurt each other, in most cases we are often hurt by the ones we love the most.

However some of these disadvantages mentioned cause some people to avoid establishing relationships all together. I believe escalating a relationship does involve risk and trust, if you never take that risk you just might miss out on a great relationship whether it be a romantic or friendly relationship.

Web Lecture: Privacy

I think privacy is really important because you want to disclose but at the same time you want to maintain some privacy in your personal life. The web lectures talks open-closedness dialectic and how it addresses the balance between self-disclosure and privacy. The authors identified three themes associated with this dialectic based on married couples and heterosexual couples about perceived information sharing, vulnerability, and a desire for increased interaction. They found that over time couples practice self disclosure however some couples do not self disclose certain things because of they feel vulnerable and keep certain feelings private.

I think it is important to find a good balance of self-disclosure and privacy in a relationship. You have to find the right balance because if both people in the relationship practice privacy more then self-disclosure there could be some trust issues in the relationship and if you self-disclose too much and don’t some information private it might hurt you in the end.

Ch. 8 Apologies

I think the section on apologies is something everyone can relate to. Everyone has apologized for something they did on accident or purpose. An apology is when an individual accepts responsibility for his or her behavior while asking to be pardoned. For small offenses such as bumping into someone we can simply express guilt and others will find this acceptable. There are two forms of simple apologies and they are concession ( “ I was wrong”) and perfunctory (I’m sorry; oh, pardon me”). However sometimes people have more complex apologies and they refer to these apologies as an full apology. A full apology can contain these five elements 1) an expression of guilt, remorse, or embarrassment 2) recognition of the inappropriate conduct and acknowledgement that negative sanctions apply for having committed the action 3) rejection of the inappropriate conduct 4) acknowledgment of the appropriate conduct and a promise to behave in the future and 5) penance, restitution, or an offer to compensate the victim.

I can say that back in high school I made a poor choice and really hurt a friend of mine. It was really hard apologizing because I already knew what I did and I was embarrassed by my actions. I can say that it was a full apology and my apology included all five elements of a full apology. I must say though I felt so much better after I apologized. Although we didn’t remain close friends anymore I felt that by apologizing I was able to ease the tension between us and it was no longer awkward to be around each other.

Ch. 7 Factors Affecting the Manner of Self-Disclosure: Sex Differences

Reseachers have suggested that men and women use different styles of disclosure. For example men use a status-assertive disclosure style, hiding weaknesses and emphasizing successes while women use an affiliativeor status-neutralizing disclosure style. They also suggest before women disclose they find it very important that the person they disclose to also be discreet, trustworthy, sincere, liked, respected, a good listener, warm, and open. Although not much research has been done on the amount of disclosure they have found that women do disclose more then men do but not by much.

I believe men disclose just as much as women but the style in which they do it in is different then women like the book suggests. I never really thought men disclosed any meaning full information with each other in the way the acted but back in high school I was close friends with guys who were on the baseball team and they shared with me they used to talk in the locker room with each other and disclose information that was meaningful to them. I used to never think guys could really talk to each other about private information like that but they do they just have a different way of disclosing.

Ch. 6 Ingratiation

People who practice ingratiation want to appear likable and do so by describing themselves in ways that appeal audience values. Being friendly, doing favors, giving compliments, and expressing opinions that agree with others opinions are some ways people practice ingratiation. However some people can practice authentic ingratiation which occurs when a persons motivation is to meet the demands of the situation; the desire to be liked, though important is secondary to other goals. Then you have illicit ingratiation and this occurs when people act friendly because they want to attain a certain goal such as a favor or donation.

I feel that I practice authentic ingratiation. I enjoy being well liked and would describe my self as a friendly person. However I don't do it to receive a favor, if some one did a good job on something I want to congratulate them. I think it is overwhelming easy to pick out a person who practices illicit ingratiation. For some reason I can just pick on their vibe and know that they are just being nice to try to get something from me.

Ch. 16 Empathy

I think it is important to exercise empathy while communicating with someone if it is needed. Empathy is an important skill in interpersonal communication. According to the book empathy is the ability to show your conversational partner that you understand his or her situation and that you share his or her emotional reactions to it.

I think Empathy is very important because people come to seek understanding from other people while they are in a crisis and if you do not show any empathy towards that person and try understand their problems then you could perhaps hurt the other persons feelings and they might not want to talk to you about pressing issues that are brothering them anymore because you do not take the time to understand them.

I was actually thinking about becoming a social worker and I believe a big part of being a social worker is showing empathy and understanding where your patient or client is coming from and trying to help them in anyway possible and letting them know you understand and care.

Ch.14 Self-Monitoring Behavior

I really liked the section about Self-Monitoring Behavior because after reading the section I feel like I can apply to real life because I have friends who fit certain decriptions in the book perfect.
Within Self-Monitoring Behavior there are two types of people, high self monitors who pay close attention to their own behaviors and to that of others in soical situations. High self monitors adjust their interaction goals in a given situation and are considered social chameleons they also like be the center of attention and can decieve by acting friendly even with people they dislike.

Then there are low self-monitors who have more of a prinicple view about themselves. They do not let the situation they are in change the type of person they are, they maintain their values and beliefs. They are unchanging from situation to situation.

I actually feel that I am a blend of the two. Throw me into any situation and I can adapt and fit in but I do hold certain beliefs and values that are unchanging and I will only will adapt to a point and I can still maintain my idenitity without having to compromise any of my principles or values to fit in.

However I have a friend who is totally a high-self monitior and sometimes it can bother me. I have known her forever so it bugs me when so throws her self into a new soical setting and totally changes they way she acts just so she can fit in with that group of people. She also loves being the center of attention so she will do anything just to fit in with that current crowd and stand out. She always molds herself after the crowd she is hanging out with at the time.

Ch.5 Person Perception

After reading Ch. 5 I found the implicit personality theory intriguing. We are all guilty of judging people before we get to know them and often times take "shortcuts" in our assessments of others. According to the book the theory holds that we assume we can know someone relatively easy based on a few cues. The book suggest we think this way because we believe people are consistent in the ways they think and act. However it may be an efficient way of assessing someone but it can also not be the best way.

I can admit that I am guilty of judging and assessing someone before I even know them. Sometimes I am right on and sometimes my assessments are off. Back in high school I always thought this one particular girl who was an ex girlfriend of one of my guy friends was mean and unfriendly. I never saw her smile and always assumed she was unfriendly. Then her and my friend started to date again and she quickly became one of my best friends and is the kindest and most sweet person I have ever met. Just because she never smiled and always looked mean I assumed she was but it was actually the opposite...she just doesn't like to smile lol.

Chapter 4: The Cognitive Component

I really found the cognitive component of listening important because it has affected my learning. I was born with a learning disability that affected my cognitive skills in listening. When I was younger and in some instances still to this day I have trouble sorting out verbal directions. When I listen to directions they sometimes don't make sense to me, I am listening to what the person is saying but it kinda comes in all jumbled in my head, it feels like I have a thousand words coming at me all at once. I need the person to repeat the directions again even though I was listening carefully the first time.

According to the chapter researchers have identified several cognitive processes that are involved in listening. They list signal acquisition/hearing, selection/attending to a signal, literal processing/interpretation or decoding, retention/memory, and comprehension/understanding.

I would say that my learning disability greatly affected my comprehension/understanding cognitive skills. Iam listening but I am not always comprehending the directions. They state that within listening there are two different kinds of listening habitual and optimum. Habitual listening adds little to out cognitive load, it allows us to understand others talk efficiently. However optimum requries much more cognitive capacity. So perhaps I have a harder time at optimum listening.

I am alot better now but I still have moments where I am like ???????? after a teacher gives verbal directions.

Hi Everyone,

I' am 22 years old and this fall I will be starting my senior year at SJSU. I am majoring in Communication Studies and minoring in Business. This is my 4th online class so I am pretty familiar with this...although using all the google stuff is new to me. I currently work for the Department of Veterans Affairs at their Veterans Hospital in Palo Alto. The Veterans Hospital only treats patients that are Veterans of the U.S Military so I get to talk to a lot of Veterans who fought in WW2, Vietnam and even soldiers coming back from Iraq. I work as a Program Support Clerk for the Recreation Therapy Service. Just for your information Recreation Therapy is the use of therapeutic interventions to improve physical, cognitive, social, emotional and spiritual functioning.

I really thought the Communication Accommodation Theory in chapter 2 was interesting. CAT specifies how two people from different cultures interact in ways that reflect their personal goals and cultural identities. For example they had Amy as an American who adopted an English accent and used British terms while trying to communicate with Elizabeth, a British citizen. A lot of times people do this to be socially accepted. It reminds me of a friend who lived in California and moved to the South. When she came back to California to visit I noticed she had a southern accent now. I have also heard it called "a case of the Madonna's" in a joking matter referring to pop star Madonna, many claim she has adopted a fake British accent.